The Accidental Bank Robbery

(One day during the sermon, our preacher said something along the lines of “just like you can’t accidentally rob a bank.” I set out to see if I could create a way where someone does just that. And there you have the story of how “The Accidental Bank Robbery” came into being.)

 

It was just one of those days. A day an ‘Average Joe’ would remember for the rest of his life. My name actually is Joe. Joe Smith to be exact, and average fits me to a T; average height, average weight, average looking through and through. There is nothing unique or special about my life, which made this day all the more unusual. It was definitely the most interesting thing that had ever happened to an ‘Average Joe’ like me, or ever could for that matter. What could be so interesting you ask?

It all started on my daily downtown walk to the office. I was minding my own business; not really paying much attention around me, when out of nowhere a beautiful red head with perfectly sculpted legs came barreling at me with a handful of shopping bags. The collision pushed me sideways, knocking me through the doorway of the First National Bank. I struggled for my balance (while at the same time trying to get one more peek at those legs), but I was too unsteady and I couldn’t hold myself up.

My face was very rapidly making its way to an unwelcome introduction with tile, so I reached out to find something to hold onto. My hands came in contact with something in front of me, and I instinctively began to pull my weight up, ending in a rolling dive on top of someone and my hand grasping a small, hard object. I looked down to see what I had a hold of, and to apologize to whoever had broken my fall. I was shocked to discover I had possession of some sort of gun. I have never been much of a gun expert, so I couldn’t tell you what it was. I was also shocked to find a security guard knocked unconscious underneath me.

I jumped up, turning in a circle, trying to locate another security guard, or anyone for that matter, who could help me. All around me was a sea of scared faces staring at the gun in my hand. I had pointed it out away from me because I wanted to make sure I didn’t actually shoot myself. Obviously this was a mistake though, as everyone in the room with me thought I was pointing the gun at them. “Excuse me, I need some help” I implored, continuing to circle around to locate a security guard, but apparently there was only the one.

A bank teller stepped out, so I thought he was coming to assist me. Instead he held out a bag as he drew closer to me, managing to get the words, “please just take the money and don’t hurt anyone” breathlessly out of his mouth. I opened my mouth to protest, but before I could say anything, two men in masks stomped in demanding money with their guns exposed. As the two men advanced, one of them knocked into me, once again pushing me through the door. With all the commotion inside, no one seemed to notice I was no longer on the scene.

At this point I was completely stunned by my most recent experiences. I figured my best bet would be to take the money to the police station and attempt to explain the situation, but first I needed to put the gun away to make sure there would be no more misunderstandings. I decided the best place for everything would be in my briefcase and got to work stuffing my booty in the empty space available, which was a lot as I didn’t really carry much with me. My briefcase had always been my way of feeling a little more important. A man’s got to do what he can when he works at a mind numbing job right? As I finished securing the gun and money, a whole slew of cops showed up, apparently responding to an alarm that was sounded. They rushed past me into the bank to catch their culprits and found the masked men who were on edge at this point, having discovered that there was no money to steal.

Either way, it seemed the cops were ready to arrest these men and be done with it. This wasn’t going to prove too easy though since the masked men began opening fire. I took this as my sign to high tail it out of there. I took off as fast as I could towards the police station so I could straighten out the whole mess when I ran into my red-head beauty once again. My collision with her knocked my briefcase to the ground opening it up and spilling the contents all over the sidewalk. I scrambled to gather everything back up, scooping it up in a rush and fastening the case before anyone noticed the contents. The red-head seemed fine, other than a look of annoyance on her face, so I took off once again in the direction of the police station.

I grabbed the first officer I saw and began a frantic explanation of the day’s experience, opening the briefcase to show the stolen goods, but he wouldn’t give me a chance. He actually told me to lay off the medication and walked away from me. I couldn’t understand why I was being branded a nut job when I was just trying to return the money. I decided to go home and mail the money with an explanation so no one could dismiss me again. As I walked along the sidewalk on my way home, I passed a store with a TV in the window. The news was on, and the discussion was the robbery of the First National Bank. This piqued my interest for obvious reasons, so I stuck around to see what the news was. Apparently the masked men had been killed, and the officers were claiming a successful deterrent of the robbery. I wasn’t sure what to think of this, but now I was stuck with a bag full of money and no way to return it.

What is a man to do? If they don’t want the money back I might as well make use of it myself. The bank teller must have been involved in the planned robbery because he never let on that money had actually left the building. It makes sense now why he tried to be so discreet about handing me the money. I’m betting he doctored the security tapes as well. Besides, I lost the gun in all my bumbling about. If I couldn’t convince the police when I went to turn myself in, I doubt I’d be able to do it now without the “smoking” gun so to speak. I don’t intend to worry about the specifics since the whole thing led me to you, my red-headed beauty.

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